What they don't tell you in the books...

Ok, well here are the most recent baby bump pictures. I'm 17 weeks and 6 days, about 4 1/2 months along. To me it would sound better to say almost half way there! I thought I'd take a quick minute to let every other woman thinking about having a baby or already on the way...

What they don't tell you in those damn "What to Expect..." books:

1. You cannot poo. Literally for days you will not go. Oh, beleive me you will have to, it will hurt, but no. One the good side of constipation, you will look more pregnant that you would if you were regular. Bloating: its a blessing when it pushed you from chubby girl to "oh, look she's having a baby!".
2. You will be completely irrational. You know in your mind that what you are saying/feeling/thinking/doing is totally off the wall, but you don't care. It gets worse as you get further along too. You get a big head, thinking '...I can do what I want, I'm pregnant. People will understand'. HA! My dear, beloved husband is at his wits end and we've still got months to go!
3. You will not be by the book. The books/internet say you should be showing at 14 weeks, you won't and you will worry. They say you will feel the baby by about 16 weeks, you won't and you will worry. BUT, when the books say you will be stuffy, pukey, sore, fat and emotional, you bet you will.
4. You will feel sick in the morning. And in the afternoon and in the evening and at night. I didn't puke much, just an overwhelming feeling of neausea all of the time. You know the feeling when you are about to get sick? Excess saliva, woozey stomach? Well imagine that all of the time. Puking would have been a relief. I prayed to puke. Good thing is, for me it went away at 14 weeks. Some other women, not so lucky.
5. You will hate what you loved before. I could not stand the taste or smell of meat. It all smelled like bologna. The thought of putting it in my mouth would make me dry heave in the kitchen sink. The only thing that tasted good was anything sour or tart: green apples, green grapes, vinegar (yes, I actually drank it out of the bottom of the salad bowl) and oranges. I lived on grapes and cereal (cheerios only) for 2 months. All of that fiber and still no poo (see #1). I still cannot fathom BBQ or beef, chicken has to be done so well it is dry. Boo for protien.
6. You will have cramps. From just about day one I had cramps that felt just like PMS. No one warns you. For the first 3 months you run to the bathroom to check for your period. I swear it was coming. But no Aunt Flo was MIA, thank God.
7. You will have crazy dreams. I had vulgar dreams, sexual dreams, giving birth to animal dreams. I can remember each and every detail, like it really happened. Be prepared to freak out and worry about what these dreams mean.

I am going to update this as the baby-cooking goes on. I'm off to home for my lunch break to catch some zzzz's and make a kidney or two.